Someone called me an old soul today

And I mean I take that as a huge compliment – considering my age, I mean I’m only 22. 

It’s not that I’ve seen loads of the world or have had that hard an upbringing that it’s changed me. 

I just think a lot of it comes from seeing things go on around me and taking it in. I guess almost being a Wallflower. But there’s no point in just taking it in if you learn nothing from it either; I suppose that’s where a little bit of the (potential) wisdom comes from. 

That and I think the world is fucking full of negativity and cruelty as it is; I don’t want to add to that. I want to bring happiness and light and if I can’t do that, I at least want to be empathetic to life. We’re all having some sort of struggle and I think the world forgets how to love and care sometimes. 

Hatred only will breed hatred.

Love does exactly the same; it’s just what path do you choose. We only have one shot at this life (maybe?) – so why wouldn’t you want it to be the most pleasant one you can; even if you’ve been dealt a rough hand.

Late 3am thoughts; can’t sleep.

I often wonder if I’ve been single this long (basically all almost 23 years of my life) through choice.  Part of me thinks it is, but then another part of me thinks it’s through innate reactions – but I mean they, at the end of the day, come from me too I suppose?

I’m a little bit weary of trusting a guy long enough to let them properly in. However, I know that sort of comes universal to anyone who wants a relationship –  this is the part I feel I sort of choose to avoid boys.

The innate reaction is a lot less fun. I mean, I can be confident in my body – I know I’m no Adonis by any means; but I’d say maybe I’m an attractive 6 at a push. I’ve also lost a bit of weight and when it comes to my body (& to an intimate side of a relationship) I struggle to let the old body image of myself go. I’m fine clothed when I can hide all my imperfections (like my faded stretch marks, ever so slight loose skin and a dumb little varicose vein on my leg) under fabric. I just don’t see anyone ever wanting to come anywhere near anyone like that. So instinctively I sort of back away from anything that resembles that kind of intimacy with boys. And I understand not every guy on this planet is super vain.

Then add to that, I’m still a virgin – the thought of sex in general makes me kinda edgy and nervous. And I know – 2016 not a big deal now blah blah blah. I don’t buy that; especially in the gay community. If I had a pound for every time I’ve had to say to a guy “no I’m not kidding”, “what reason do I have to lie about this for?” I’m pretty sure I could have moved out into my own place in a city somewhere, paid off my student debt and probably done some epic travelling. Now, I know I’m making light of this – but it is a problem. I often feel very alienated within the LGBT+ community because I don’t just fuck around. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my moments when I’ve been tempted and tried to as well – but I end up with anxiety and nerves to the point when I can (and have in the past) get such a bad nervous tummy before I even get ready to leave that some bodily function occurs and it can come out of one orifice or the other (nice image, right?) and then I’ve obviously been like “aye I’m not coming sorry”.

And I think the problem is (weirdly) that we’re all so open about sex and all that side of things that we don’t reassure or talk to younger members of the community and say that it’s alright if they want to wait. That they don’t have to have sex straight away. That it is still normal to be a virgin in your twenties as much as it is to not be. 

I think I may have sidetracked there for a moment, but I do think that’s a very important point to make haha! 

Anyway, either way, it’s the parts in bold that weigh most heavily on me when it comes to boys and relationships. 

And finally, I’m also very aware that I’m fiercely independent. Comes from all the years on my own though haha! I very much have an attitude of if you’re not complimenting/adding to what I already have in my life then why should I bother? 

Ugh the struggle is real.